It happened last week when I was taking some personality test. I mean I know who I am and long past that period when personality tests made a lot of sense. Remember, What is Your Dream Guy? or How Goddess Are You? No, my favourite is What Animal Would You Be? I think I was a dog or a cat? maybe both.. Anyway, the test I was taking last week was about relationships I think. There was a question What did you like in your most successful relationship?
What did I like?! In my most successful relationship?! I had the moment when everything just went blank. If there is a program in my mind similar to the one in computers I think it just froze and then shut down when I realized that I didn’t have the most successful relationship, any successful relationship, in fact. Really if I did then I wouldn’t be single would I? Unless of course if the partner died or was kidnapped by aliens. I mean really I wouldn’t even be taking a relationship test if I had a successful relationship. Why would I need a relationship test? To test how successful it is on a scale from 1 to10 with 10 being the most successful?
How can it be that in 10 years of dating I still haven’t had a successful relationship. I had long term relationships, I had short ones, I dated men from different backgrounds, different countries, and none of them was a success. Even my 4.5 year relationship turned out not successful when crying on the floor I had to admit to him and mostly to myself that I wasn’t in love anymore. And if I am not in love, I am not in a relationship. That’s why I had short relationships or no relationship relationships (understand to your ability please). And what is love that I need to make me be in a relationship? I guess I would know the answer to that question if I had a successful relationship. Ok, now I am being sarcastic.
But the saddest part is that all these years I thought that I had great relationships, I was great, the men I was with were great. I even told my friends that I was proud of all my ex’s and had great relationships. It wasn’t till last week when I was taking a freaking test that I don’t even remember what was about that I realized that I was clueless all these years. I am still saying that men I dated were great, and I am great! But us together - not so great.
After a little bit more of soul searching I realized it was because we (all my ex’s and I) were not to be. We were together for a reason and once there was no reason we parted. So it is not that I am a failure when it came to relationships, I was just gaining my experience. Or as we say it in a career world, working on my resume.
I forgive myself for not having had success so far cause I know that now since I’ve built a strong resume success is next to follow.