Finding ourselves in a relationship

Cheers lovers,

Being in a relationship is going through the best and the worst of times we might experience in this physical life. Truly nothing can compare to the happiness we feel by loving and being loved. On the other hand, the pain that comes with it is the most excruciating. Through a relationship with another we are able to learn about ourselves something that could never come to light otherwise. We are challenged to reveal our deepest layers, show our true colors, and create new ones. It's about abandoning oneself only to find our other self though another. It's the most revealing spiritual journey we embark on.

Naturally, it is easy for a conflict between oneself and the other self we experience through another to develop. The oneself that is only defined by us as one person will fight the other self that becomes identified with another human being. It will fight for its freedom, space, choices. It will ally with our ego and tell us that we need to save our identity, we need to protect ourselves. It will scream to us to beware of the other, that it might tear us apart and break our hearts. It will sabotage our sincerest inspirations towards the other, to let our guards down, to open our hearts and souls. It will do anything to preserve its oneness.

We all experience this internal conflict at a certain point in our relationships, and not necessarily romantic ones. It could be relationships with friends, lovers, partners, children, parents, maybe even pets for some.

What happens then? We sabotage our relationships, we end them, we break them, we leave them. But the worst is when we don't even realize we are doing it. We separate ourselves from a relationship and put all blame on the relationship itself. While the real cause is within ourselves. And guess what? Since it is within us it will re-appear in the next relationship, and then next, and next. And could be forever or until we become aware.

How to break this self-destroying cycle? First, is to identify it. It's not always easy for us to shut down our egos, and accept the painful truth about ourselves. Who wants to believe that we sabotage a loving relationship in order to be alone? Whatever the reason was that led us to preserving ourselves (childhood, bad experiences in the past, society) it needs to be revealed. It will be evading and fighting to come light, but it is necessary to win this battle in order to heal this part of oneself.

Then, we need to fall in love with ourselves all over again, more precisely with the self that is experienced through the other. This love will heal our wounded parts, and will make us feel safe to open up to another. It will create a loving and nurturing space for the love between two people to blossom and grow. It will become the foundation for many beautiful creations manifesting in a relationship. It will take people in a relationship much higher and further than they would reach on their own.

We all have a choice to let ourselves grow in a relationship or follow our old patterns and keeping our hearts closed.

Man is not a Woman, Woman is not a Man

I know I am stating the obvious (the title) here, but you'll be surprised how often we forget this.
Let me explain.
How often we imagine in our minds what a man should do, say or think. We women forget that men don't think the way we do, they don't feel the way we do, and they certainly don't understand why we get upset because they didn't react the way we wanted them to. I am sure it goes the other way around too.
But since I am a woman, it's easier for me to elaborate from a female's perspective.
Here's a scenario. Let's say we want him to be more loving to us. But instead of just coming up to him and telling him directly into his face what we want, we start saying stupid things like "I don't feel like you're present", "I feel distance", etc. In the meantime, what we really mean is that we want more loving, what we really want is for him to say "Don't be silly, I love you so much. Come here". That's what we women would do/say, wouldn't we?

But men are not us. They take whatever we say literally. So instead of opening his arms and wrapping them around us, he starts thinking that she's not happy with him, even worse, he doesn't make her happy. And this is probably the most terrible thing he could feel in regard to a relationship since he takes it as a direct accusation of not being enough. If she is not happy with me, I need to go.

So you see, instead of getting what we truly wanted we got the absolute opposite. Very ironic to say the least, and could be fatally damaging.

By trial and error (and unnecessary tears) I learned to forgo my "female mind tricks", and just simply say what I want. And what a relief, who knew it would be so easy?
If it's a good and loving relationship, a partner will respond and give, and give. He wants to make you happy, and if you tell him how, he'll do it.

Relationships are real, they need understanding. But it won't come from projecting your personal assumptions. We need to get out of our heads, and start seeing another as an individual with their personal thoughts and perceptions.

Good loving to all.

Everyday Love

Cheers lovers,

So I've been thinking and wondering what direction should I take now that I am in a relationship with a man I love?
The truth is I miss my blog, I miss writing about my thoughts, sharing my endeavors. What the hell, I miss talking about love and sex.
And then I realized, I don't have to end my blog. In fact, I should come back, I need to come back. I feel it's even more of my duty now that I'm learning what love is.
You see, searching for love doesn't really end once we fall in love. Quite the opposite, love keeps revealing itself more and more as we go along. Sometimes, we lose ourselves or let our egos take control, but if we run back to love and let it rule our lives, we realize that it's being discovered every day, it's being experienced every moment. Love in a way gets a life of its own.

Yes, that's what I am beginning to learn. In the last year or so, I made mistakes, I chickened out a few times. But I am glad I was smart enough (and lucky enough to have a patient lover) to always come back to love and let it take its course. It wasn't as easy for me as I expected, in fact, I realized, I didn't really know what love was till now. It's not what most of us think it is. It's not just chemistry and excitement. It's also about compassion, acceptance and giving. And I am only scratching the surface here.

So I've decided to start a new series about every day love. I'll write about my thoughts and experiences on what love is, what it takes to keep it alive, and how to surrender to it.

Mistakenly we believe that once we find love, there is nothing else we need to do. Somehow all our problems and issues will disappear, and we'll live in a perpetual bliss of romance.
Let me tell you, we humans also have egos and minds that like to sabotage (screw up really) whenever we feel vulnerable or giving control away. And being in love is letting yourself being vulnerable, it's about giving up control to the relationship. For most of us, especially the strong-willed ones, giving up control is not the easiest thing. Some of us have lost trust after a few disappointments. Some of us closed off completely.

I've been a victim of my fears and doubts, I've let my ego mess with my life. But letting love in and surrendering to it in the end, was the best decision I made in my life.

I know most people will relate to what I am sharing here. And as I am learning myself how to love and to be loved, I want to share it with you. For believe me, there is nothing more beautiful than to love and be loved. It opens our hearts, it tames our minds, and most importantly, it reveals our souls.

 Welcome to my new series "Let Love Rule"