A story of one little raindrop

Cheers lovers,

I often found myself fascinated watching raindrops' dance on the window of a driving car. If you pay attention, you'll notice how rain or snow breaks into a thousand tiny drops splattered all over the window giving us a natural sketch of Jackson Pollock's painting. As a car moves, those tiny drops start moving rapidly, some of them disappear into the air all on their own, some merge with others before leaving their short-lived life of a drop on a window into the unknown.

Today as I was on the train, some melting snow from the top of the train was going through the same dance. Snow would melt into water, splatter over the window into a million drops, drops merging, dissolving into the air. And on and on. Something stroke me this time. Snow transforming into water, then a million drops, then evaporating into the air, then back into snow or rain, and so the cycle repeats itself eternally. For a little drop on the window life seems so fast and chaotic for it doesn't see beyond the window. When in fact, life never really ends, it simply changes its form. But how a tiny raindrop to know? It only sees the window and other fellow drops, merging together or not, disappearing into the unknown.

Isn't how we see our lives? They are short, fast and chaotic. But the truth is life never really ends, it simply changes its form. After our physical bodies evaporate, we go back to the source we came from before our bodies, just like drops of water. Life has no end, it has cycles. We are not able to see beyond the window we are dancing on but life is vast, it's ever transforming. Just like raindrops we evaporate into the energy that splattered us over this amazing world. We merge, we move, we disappear, only to come back again. Time on this planet Earth is just one of the cycles we go through. Then why be sad about leaving it when we merge with something so grand as the source of the Universe. Besides in another cycle we'll be dancing on the surface again. And so it goes.

Anything Is Everything

Cheers All,

As most of you know, I am a big fan of yoga. The benefits are endless, but when I come across a teacher who touches my soul the experience is priceless. I see it as a true blessing.

Exactly that happened last week. I wouldn't say he was the best teacher in the world, but wisdom coming from him made me look inside and think. He shared many wonderful thoughts, but one of them touched me the most. While in my down-facing dog, he dropped a wisdom bomb on me. Literally. It resonated with me right away, it was a light bulb moment. Not to keep you in suspense any longer (just testing your patience), here it is:

"How you do anything is how you do everything."

Sounds simple at first, but not quite. I expect to some it might not make sense at all. Yet some would want to disagree. But if you dare to see the depth of this saying, you'll be able to connect the dots.

Let me explain. The teacher was originally referring to a yoga practice. Specifically, to simple poses, basics so to speak. And what he meant was how you do any pose (small or big) is how you do all of them. If you give your best shot with a simple mountain pose you will strive to do the best you can with any challenging pose. He went further and transcended this wisdom from yoga mat to life.

Really if you think about it, if you approach any small task with passion and determination, you most likely strive for that same passion in other areas in your life. And vice versa. If you don't care, and just do a half-a**ed job in some areas, most likely it is how you approach other areas in your life. People who are known to do their best with anything do it with everything.

I know some might disagree, but those who always strive to be the best they can be, know what I am talking about. They also know when they are not giving their best selves, and deep down they know they are cheating themselves. I know it too well. Always been the one who strives to improve herself, I am painfully aware when I am faking it. The feeling is so destructive to the soul that giving your best self is the not just a solution but the only answer.

And how I  do anything will ultimately lead to how I do everything (no matter what it is). That is why I wouldn't leave work at 5:57pm, why I wouldn't use excuses to call in sick, or work from home, why I wouldn't leave a yoga class during the final Shavasana pose, why I wouldn't promise unless I was 100% sure I'd keep it, why I wouldn't lie.
And it's simple, because my attitude towards anything will determine my attitude towards everything. those 3 minutes won't give me anything but a pathetic excuse for my personal weakness. If I take the low road in one area, how can I expect to ride the high road in another? It's the standard you hold yourself to that determines how you approach anything and everything.

Go beyond small and big. Go wholesome. Take the high road every time. 

Building character

Cheers All!

Although I am generally happy with my personal development and the way it's going, there are still some areas where I have challenges. Not that I couldn't deal with them, I just never really wanted to or tried to. For some reason, I gave myself a slack on them. Kind of like using my "I'm a human, I make mistakes too" card.

And honestly, it seemed all normal to me to flip out or lose my cool over certain situations. They would pass, and I would be back to my "highly spiritual" self. So they didn't seem like a big deal, except for the annoyance they caused in my life.

So since I got back from Hawaii (where I was at complete bliss with myself) I had been doing great. But it was easy. Everything was going smoothly, I had no problems.
However a couple of days ago, I was presented with one of those situations that would flip me out. Nothing serious, just inconvenience or annoyance with others (let's leave it at that).
On autopilot I lost my cool. And you know what happens when you lose your cool? I think it goes the same way for everyone. Other things fall out of order, more irritating issues come up, and you get angrier and angrier, to the point you are ready for a week long yoga retreat...
So for a day and a half, I was a madman (well a madwoman in this case, but who wants to associate madness with a woman?:).
And then I started thinking crazy stuff about other things in my life, cause that's what happens when you're not at peace inside. And let me tell you, our minds will jump on it, and go on a wild ride that is very risky and hard to stop.
I had to do something quickly. So yesterday after yoga, meditation, reflection, etc. I realized I didn't have to react to those irritating situations this way. Basically, I'd look at them from the outside, and keep my emotions completely at bay. Just observe them, if you will.
As soon as I realized it, my mind stopped racing, my heart slowed down, and I was able to smile again. But it's not all, it gets better. Then I realized, I didn't actually do anything wrong, so there was no reason for me to be so hard on myself and go through unnecessary stress. I don't have to please everyone, especially because pleasing someone is usually driven by our ego. If we are true to ourselves and respectful of others, there should not be a situation where we need to go out of our way to please someone. It serves purpose to no one.

So happy to admit that this time, I finally got it. And what a relief, for those situations will present themselves now and then. It's life. But it takes a real character to remain calm and collected, and most importantly, stay true to yourself.
 Love to All!

Lessons I learned in Hawaii, II

Nite lovers,

My trip to Hawaii was so amazing that one post about all lessons learned just wasn't enough... So here is part deux!

I've been back in NYC for about a week now, and even to my own surprise, haven't lost my vacay zen yet. Seriously! I haven't yet got mad at people who suddenly decide to stop on a busy Manhattan street, or those who move at a snail's pace and don't let you sprint at your normal new york speed, or the morning subway ride... Yes, I am very tolerant of "mere mortals" these days.

Based on what's been said, here is the 1st lesson:

1) Sometimes we just need to get away to find ourselves again.

What I realize every time I get out of NYC, is how misleading (if not deceiving) my "NYC persona" can be. Let me explain. Being a happy and trusting, and loving (blah, blah, blah) person at heart, I do tend to toughen up in New York. It's just the way you live/survive in the city. Yes, I can even be mean (believe me!) if I have to. Though let me assure you, never bitchy, not a drop!
But inside I am sweet, super sweet, and with all honesty, hate being mean. So once I am out of the "concrete jungle", and don't have a need for survival, I let my true self be. It's really magic, takes about 3 days out of the city, and I am the happiest, lovable person you'll ever meet.
Being in Hawaii, a place of lovers and friends, I was able to let my loving authentic self come out and shine! And God, how nice and easy it is.
Once again, I realized how important it is to get out of the city just to let your most authentic self be.

2) Don't be afraid to travel alone. Be open, be yourself, and let events unfold naturally.

The 2nd part of my trip to Maui was solo. Never having traveled alone before, I was a little anxious in the beginning. Felt lonely and vulnerable the first night, even cried like a little child on her first day of school. After a long phone conversation with my man I was able to calm down and set my mind on making the best of it. In a matter of 24 hours, I met 2 most amazing ladies from Seattle with whom I connected on so many levels, and had the most amazing time for the following 3 days. If I hadn't been alone and open to meet new people, I would have never met them.

Traveling by yourself is exciting. That's when your true inner self feels free and safe to come out. On top of that, you learn more about yourself than in any other situation, you experience yourself on a whole new level. There is nothing like it, believe me.
I was happy to learn that my true inner self attracts people that inspire me. In this case, strong loving women, who are true to themselves and lead fulfilling lives. Terri and Jen (the ladies I met) run marathons (yes, 26 miles and all), triathlons, travel around the world, have successful careers, have great friends, eat healthy diets, inspire others, and so much more.

I would advise anyone to experience traveling alone.

3) Being away will give you a clear perspective on where you're standing in your life.

The goal of this trip was to get away from it all and find inspiration. I started feeling unfulfilled and wanted to find some new directions on what to do. As if something was missing, and keeping me away from fulfilling my destiny.

Being away, I realized what a good place I am in my life right now. Even if it's not the most creative and fulfilling life just yet, I am on my way! But right now, I am blessed to have a loving circle of people in my life, parents, lover, friends, Josephine, colleagues. I am blessed to be independent and free to make my own choices. And blessings go on and on.
So in the end, I was relieved to realize it's all good, life is good. Coming back to NYC was easy this time. I was happy and excited to come back to someone I deeply love.

As you see, it was one amazing trip for me. The trip that keeps on giving, and will stay with me for the rest of my life.
I would encourage all of you to travel with an open mind and heart.

Aloha to all.

Keep Paddling

Aloha!

As some of you know I'm in Hawaii right now. That's right, finally I am taking my well-deserved, extremely needed vacation. I've been here for about a week, and have been able to relax but also learn many different lessons that I know will carry me through life going forward.

Today, I want to share some of the lessons I learned from surfing. Sadly, I didn't have a chance to surf a lot (next time for sure!). Still, the experience was so amazing that only few in life could be compared.

Lessons from surfing:

1) Don't let fear stop you, keep paddling.

First, I was a little scared. I don't believe whoever says it's the easiest thing in the world. It is not. It takes courage and faith. Courage to get in the cool deep water with waves. Faith in nature and the Universe to be cooperative.
I had butterflies in my tummy, but I went in. Butterflies turned into a healthy adrenaline and I got excited.
Same thing with life. We let fear stop us from living full, enriching life. And what for? Fear stops us from having the most amazing experiences in life.
From now on, I'll do what I did with surfing: I'll go in the water despite any fear.

2) Catch a wave, take chances.

Catching a wave is the most challenging part, and not every one will come to fruition. But not catching it is not worth trying. Again, same thing in life, what is life if we don't take chances? Go for it, make your move!

3) You will fall. This is part of learning.

To surf is to learn how to fall. Let me add, how to Graciously fall. It's inevitable. But once you fall a few times, you look at it differently. You get comfortable falling. Then catching a wave is so much easier, for you know how to fall if you have to.
In life, so what if we fail or don't succeed on a first or 2nd, or 3rd try? We are just building resistance, we are learning. It gets easier, as we get experienced.

4) Even if you fall, the board is there to get you up again.

As long as you're attached to the board, it's right there for you to climb on.
In life, no matter how lost or desperate we might feel at some moments, there is always something that gives us support, that gives us strength. Always. Even if it's just faith. But we are never left alone.

5) You will succeed if you stand strong and find your balance.

Once you're riding a wave, you need to get up and find your balance.
Couldn't be any more relevant to life. To have a fulfilling life we need to stand strong, we need to have balance.

And last but most fun:) Surfing is the closest thing to an orgasm. 'Nuff said!

Aloha to all!

Speed of life

Cheers all!

Well first, let me tell you, it's been some serious transitional period in my life. Not only have I been MIA with my blog(s), I've been withdrawing from many other things/activities I used to do. Basically, I've been doing thorough inventory of my day-to-day life, surroundings, activities, and people in my life.
It's important to do as we grow, and it's absolutely necessary to do IF we want to keep growing in a positive way. Something I've neglected for awhile.

The result: I've got my focus back, and I mean it. It's when I am focused on bigger things I need to do, and everything else that hinders my progress has to go. Let distractions go, let drama go, let people who create problems/drama go.
Harsh? Yes it is. But necessary if one wants to be successful in her journey. There is some wisdom to why the most glorious beautiful bird Eagle travels alone. Just think about it. In order to keep inner peace, sharp focus on your dreams, and stay on track with your visions, you need to go solo most of the time, and definitely stay away from outside distractions. Plus be extremely careful who should be let in.

Another way to put it, it's being IN the world but not OF the world. I'll talk about that one in a greater detail another time.

Anyway, as usual, whenever I retract from unnecessary outside noise (as much as it's possible in NYC) I am always blessed with wise and meaningful discoveries. And here is one I would like to share with you tonight.

During my yoga class last Monday, I realized how short and fleeting our lives on Earth are. Really think about it, if you compare each person's life to the life of the Universe, it's like a second, maybe less. It's as if we had only one day to live! That's what it is just one day of our lives compared to the lifetime of the Universe and everything that has and will exist. I know it's mind blowing if you really go deep into this. But just realize that it's really that short and all we have is 1 day to live, and then we go back to infinity.

How would you live that one day then? What would you want to do in those 24 hours? How would you feel and act? Who would you want to be with? What people would you like to have in your life?
I am pretty sure, if considered seriously, everyone's answers would be about love, joy, happiness, peace, fun, adventure. No one would care about dramas, problems, negativity... for it wouldn't be worth it. We would know that it is going to end pretty soon, and all we can do is enjoy it as much as we can, use any little opportunity that comes our way.

The most amazing thing about all this is that it really is the case. But for some reason, we humans, think that we have eternity to live, and there is a long road ahead. It amazes me how people say "There is always another day". Well the truth is there isn't. Today is the only day, and tomorrow might never happen.

We need to see it and understand it. Only then does every day become a true blessing, an opportunity to follow your dreams, to find happiness in everything that happens, to focus on what's important.
Please think about it, life is a chance to experience yourself to the fullest. Why not start today.

My love to You:) and sorry for MIA. it's a necessary process :)

Whatever, Whenever

Cheers all.

Those who know me, or have been following my blog, are well aware that I am a hard core optimist, a cheerleader of life. Just appears to the world that way. But to think that I never get sad, upset, annoyed, stressed, irritated, etc.. would be entirely utopian. Being extremely passionate and emotional as well, I go thru a whole range of emotions, some of them couldn't ever be explained or mentioned at my own risk..

Yet I always appear and behave in such a way that it's hard to imagine that I could be anything but a happy smily face.. It's just that I've always been on guard to watch for those "negative" emotions and attack them as soon as they creep up on me. Let me tell you, I've become a real warrior of "negative" emotions over the years. Exhausting? Yes. Worth the fight? Yes, till I collapsed. But last week I changed my usual course of action.

An amazing thing happened really, and something (one of my inner voices) tells me it has to do with mine getting into yoga (pardon my recent yoga obsession, I thank and blame it for everything that happens to me these days). But really only good can happen when you get into yoga (sorry couldn't help it again!)

Anyway, when last Friday, for some unknown reason (which is usually the case), I started feeling sad and even upset, for the first time in my life, I didn't fight it. I let those feelings in and simply observed them flow thru me. I didn't force myself to run and read some inspirational stuff, call people who cheer my up, get a massage, go shopping, have J take me out to dinner, buy La Perla... the usual things I do to get myself out of this state. Instead, I accepted those emotions as if they were my (new) friends just like the "positive" ones. of course, some wine helped as always (power of wine could never be underestimated). And alas, a couple of days later, I was my usual optimistic self.

I thought about it, you know me, as always I need to analyze and come up with a final analysis for anything that happens. And I was startled to find out that only now have I finally accepted myself completely, fun or no fun. That's what I call unconditional love. That's what I find powerful.

In the end, I felt much stronger, and realized there is nothing I have to fight within me: it's all perfectly good, at least to me, and the rest is - whatever/whenever.. It's that new strenght that I can handle any emotion and still make it safely back :)

Benefits of Yoga - Why Yoga Exercise is Good for You

I've already mentioned the wonders of Yoga in many of my posts. I myself am a perfect example of it, and I've only been doing it for 3 months. Not only has my body been transformed, but also my mind and my spirit. Thanks to Yoga, I've been able to overcome the 2 biggest challenges in my life: self-acceptance and patience. I learned to accept and love myself unconditionally (thus accepting and loving others,) and being patient and letting life unfold in a natural, blissful way. Please read the article linked below if you haven't been already convinced.

Benefits of Yoga - Why Yoga Exercise is Good for You

Dare Yourself, Be easy on yourself

So here I am, 2nd week of my challenge to dare myself to do things I never considered doing, and already telling you to take it easy, i.e. be easy on yourself.
Believe me it's no less task to just go with the flow and take it easy.

First of all, this has been a busy crazy week at work for me (beauty of financial planning and analysis). Second of all, it was my birthday and as tired as I was, I still managed to have some wine with my friends who brought me many many beautiful flowers (at 10pm when I got home). Seriously this year has been the most beautifully flowered for me (can I say that?...)
Then I was still trying to squeeze in some outrageous thing into my routine as promised. and believe me I gave it my best effort. I tried to get up at 5:45am to make it to a 6:30am yoga class. No luck there. there is always another time...
Then I tried to go to a social event all by myself and try to approach a guy I liked and ask him on a date. Who was I kidding..
Then I tried.. What else did I try - I simply don't remember. I do remember that I spent 1.5 hours listening to the country music, the whole time believing that it would cut it for my challenge. To my biggest surprise, I didn't hate it, I even didn't mind it that much. I think I was so swamped with work that I simply enjoyed the country music effect on me: proving that it could be worse...

Anyway, in the end I simply accepted the fact that this week would be unoriginal, just whatever. I would simply get through it as easy and smoothly as I can. And besides, I still managed to meet all my deadlines at work and did a good job, I managed to make it to my yoga class every day, I finally did one pose I was so anxious to do from the beginning I started practicing yoga, I managed to have a 15 min lunch one day this week (really?), I managed to have multiple orgasms a few times (myself:), I managed to respond to all my personal (vs. work related) emails and texts within reasonable time... But most of all, I managed to let myself just be. I was gentle and easy with myself, encouraging along the way "Just hang in there and you'll get your sleep soon, and you'll be rested and restful very soon!" and so I did.

Next week will be another story:) and I already have it all lined up. Believe me it should be only more exciting.
Nite all!

Dare Yourself, Rebuilding bridges

If you recall, last week I started a new series to dare myself to do things that seemed impossible to do, I didn't want to do, or they simply never crossed my mind. Purpose is to break the routine (which is one of the biggest enemies to our growth), to venture new areas, to learn more about myself, to expand my boundaries, etc.

Since then I've been thinking and thinking what possibly could I do. Am I not already doing enough that I make myself almost collapse at the end of the week?

If you think I'm entertaining a thought of bungee jumping or sky diving, you are giving me too much credit my friends. Don't forget, I am Miss Perfect, so finding myself at a dive bar on a Saturday night with a big glass of beer would be one of the most outrageous things I could do..

So no, I am not thinking of those extreme things that rush your blood to the head. I am more about doing beautiful things, that are pleasant to my body and soul, things that let my soul expand and fill with love and fun. What can I say, though looking to break the routine I still want to stay true to myself :)

Anyway, as I was pondering on many ideas (volunteering, waking up at 5am to make it to an early yoga class, trying speed dating, approaching a guy and asking him out on a date, having a friendly lunch with my ex (what was I smoking:) and many more) one brilliant idea did come to my mind, and it was regarding a long time friend.

We were friends for many years, and over a year ago we had a fall out. I think we just got too close at some point and became somewhat like an old couple. Besides, both of us experienced some personal dramas that were too much to handle. Not that we had a fight but we just felt that we needed some space and time to be on our own. It was strange at first, but time flew by and we hardly had any contact. We were not ready to reconnect.

So I thought of her and during my yoga practice I felt that I wanted to reconnect again, and she still holds a special place in my heart. For me, distance and time don't kill true love. And then the most amazing thing happened. She called me. She called me first. Coincidence? I don't think so.

I do believe that on a spiritual plane, we are all connected. And if we share a special strong bond with someone (and it's mutual), we can sense each other. Usually subconsciously. But we still do, and this is the most amazing part about love and connection. When mutual and real, it stands no time or hurdle. It comes through and warms your heart again, even if you thought it wasn't possible ;)

Cherish those bonds and don't take them for granted.

P.S. pictures: She is in a passionate red (Shakira she is), I am in a breezy blue :)

New Series - Dare Yourself

Hi All,

Today I felt moved to think outside the box. It's that I started feeling that my life was getting routine again. Besides my daily yoga practice that always teaches me to go further and deeper, everything else seems static at this point. Definitely a good timing to shake things up. Always looking for ways to develop myself, I've decided to take on a new life challenge, which I'll cover on my blog.

Challenge: Every week do something that I could never imagine doing. Or if imagined, never thought I could do it.

Preference: Something of a romantic nature. Other options include: physical, mental, self-giving, compassionate, daring, even crazy (as long as doesn't hurt anyone involved).

In the meantime, I encourage all of you to take on that challenge. Dare yourself to do something that seemed impossible or you simply never thought was for you. By doing that, not only will you expand your possibilities, you'll also learn more about yourself. And as I many times reiterated, nothing is more important in your life than learning about yourself and constantly looking for ways to develop yourself. You are your most important relationship in your life, and need to make it your priority.

I'll be sharing my ways to dare myself and encourage you to share your ideas. I even dare myself to try what you dared yourself to do. Promise.

Let's get excited and let any fear and self doubt take a vacation. For we are too busy exploring our new boundaries.

Namaste.

New Series

Cheers to everyone.

Just wanted to alert you that I'll be starting a couple of new theme series besides my "usual suspects", which are "Burning Questions Answered", "Dating Game", my love search/research, etc.
I've been thinking that as much as I love to keep developing myself, I would like the same for my blog.
Life is ever changing, and as I always say: "The only thing that is for sure is Change". It's not an original idea, it's been around for centuries, but has been my modus operandi for most of my adult life. Sorry for digressing again but once you embrace this philosophy you'll feel the weight lift off your shoulders and you'll feel excited about the future. Just take my word for it and try it:)

Anyway back to my new series, I'm going to explore on the following subjects:

1) Sex and sexuality;

2) Online dating experience;

3) Focusing on yourself, making your life a priority.

I know they all sound unrelated and somewhat unexpected. But that is the way I am: ever growing, ever exploring, ever developing.

All the subjects are of particular interest (passion really) to me. And writing about them is kind of a next logical step.
Here is some feedback:

1) Sex: I love. Honestly, crazy about it (if not obsessed at times). It's probably the only thing I would miss when I die (hopefully there is plenty of it wherever we go after our lives end here on Earth:). Sex is my forte and I can no longer keep it away from my blog. As such it will be fully addressed, with my usual passion and curiosity.

2) Online dating: I tried a few months ago, precisely after my trip to Spain in September. And let me tell you, it was nothing but a pure excitement. very unpredictable and totally exhilarating. Details to follow, and so is the name of the "best" online dating website these days:) it's specifically tailored for New Yorkers.

3) Focusing on myself. Once again I've decided to focus entirely on myself. Precisely, I am in the process of figuring out what I want to do with my professional growth. Basically, I want to work for myself. And as a strong woman with a secret distaste for following orders, I want to be my own boss.  Depend on no one.

In the meantime, I'll write about it all and keep you updated. As always, I wish to be an inspiration to those who are looking for answers, who are in a constant search for a more meaningful life. Wishing you all to have new plans and ideas for yourself as well. Especially now, that we are rolling into a new year. Not the best time to put pressure on yourself but always a good time to make an inventory of your plans (big and small). Take time and think of your dreams, desires and how important they are.

I am there for you.

Happy New Year!

Back in NYC

Hi all,

Just wanted to check in and let you all know that I am back in New York. Actually have been back for several days now but still feel out of place if you know what I mean. First of all, the trip itself was extremely awakening (I'll explain later). Secondly, it's always hard to come back to polluted air, stressed out people, and bad wine..
Seriously what is it with the pace in the city. Why is everyone running as if we all have a plane to catch? If the reason being late, why not just leave earlier? If the reason too many things to do, why not just do less? I don't know I am feeling it more than ever this time and it seems like a waste of life to me right now. We just don't ever stop and enjoy the day here. Even if there is no particular reason it's still a marathon to get from point A to point B. Europe is different. Maybe other cities in the US are different too but they are dull really. While in Europe you can be happily lazy, i.e. enjoy life at a very slow pace filled with fun things..
Sorry for digressing but I needed to explain why I'm feeling out of place since I got back from Spain. and have been avoiding my responsibilities, wink..

Anyway, the trip was amazing on many levels, yet as I already mentioned awakening too. Something absolutely unexpected happened in relation with my sibling and my own perception of the world. My sister and I had some unsettling developments that made me question many important life aspects. Most importantly, trust and belonging. It's too complex to explain. Besides, due to our family ties I have no intention on keeping it other than hers and my own business.
Then an amazing guy I met 2 years ago (and reconnected with every time I went to Spain) brought me to a place that I can say with no doubt is a Heaven on Earth. It was a beach right on the tip of the south of Spain, and where the Mediterranean sea meets the Atlantic Ocean. I am not going to describe it for there is no way I could ever do it. All I can say that when I was there I thought that this place was a reality in it's pure Godly form and everything else was just an illusion created by man.
I was touched by the events that happened to me during my trip. They made me look at life and people around me differently which made me happy and sad at the same time. Sad for realizing that I was very often wasting myself on undeserving people and that it took me awhile to realize it. Happy that I finally was able to see that and realize that it wouldn't happen again. I was able to see again that there are people you can trust and guys who can make you feel happy and safe even if just for the time spent together. I feel that I was able to turn back time and go back to being 20. Not only outside (my breakouts and freckles keep confusing people about my true age) but also inside. I learned how to trust again. I also realized that it was natural for me to trust and it is so much easier to do than not to.
The reason I lost it in the first place was because since coming to the US I always dated men relatively older than me (10-17 years senior) as I was looking for a father figure. You see, growing up, I was very close with my dad (more than my mom), and unconsciously was trying to replace him here with older men. Side effects were manipulation on their part and my lost trust in men as a result. It took me 9 years to realize that but as they say it's better late than never :) I could be wrong that this was the only reason for my lost trust, but I believe it was a major one. As I explore more on that subject, I am sure to let you know.

But for now, I will put a stop to this post as it's getting too long and most people already stopped reading it (too many things to do in NY), and I am not about to push myself either. But I will continue and it will be a fresh start, a fresh pair of eyes, still my true heart but with my newly reawaken faith.