So I finally let the first love go and there was no more perfect timing for the second one to enter my life. And so it did. A few months and a couple of days later, I met him in the most magical yet most distructive way. It was a rainy late October evening, 2009, a week after I came back from a month-long trip to Europe with my best friend Nadya. Something very stressful happened right after I came back and I felt that my world was turned upside down. I think that was the first time in my life when I felt that I was losing my ever so positive, truly genetic outlook on life (believe me I was born with it!).
Anyway I had a date that night with someone I dated for a couple of month prior to my trip and, let’s just say, the stars were not shining bright for us. Ed was an amazing person indeed, but after the trip and the dreadful event that happened when I came back, I knew he wasn’t the one and that night couldn’t make it clearer. We had some food, wine, and once out on the street I had a fit when he said that I would be ok. How do you know I’d be ok, you have no idea what I’m dealing with at this point in my life. I knew right then he wasn’t fit for me and my life which was running 300 miles an hour at that point. No one’s fault really, it’s just that our lives were running on different speeds, and mine tending to always be way too ahead.
As overwhelmed as I was all I could do is say back “ I don’t know if I’ll be ok”, turn around, and run. The truth is, at that moment I knew I wanted a man who would say “Don’t you worry, I’ll make sure everything will be ok”. As complete and self-sufficient as I am, that was the moment, that rare window of opportunity, for the guy to step in and show me his charge. I wanted more passion. True to myself, when the opportunity doesn’t present itself, I tend to run away (I’m working on it) to find where it will. So I ran, I don’t know for how long, but it was long enough to realize that my date wasn’t after me to say the words I was hoping to hear.
All I remember is that at some point I stopped and realized I had no idea where I was, I felt as foggy as the air. It wasn’t raining yet but I felt my face wet and my whole body shaking. I stopped. My practical self saw a person approaching and stopped him to ask for directions. Again, I don’t remember how it all happened, but that’s how I met him. He told me where the train was and I said that I didn’t want that particular train, maybe there was another one? I didn’t want any train, I think, at that point. I needed a boat to take me far away to the ocean and sail away from everything. He found it amusing so that even when it started raining he didn’t realize it. It was two of us standing on the corner of some street in West village, with rain and strangers passing by, that we felt something different. When I asked him if he wanted to open his umbrella, he asked me if I wanted to go to “Pravda” for a drink. That was the beginning of my 2nd love. We became an item right away, I called him a boy-friend only after a month of being together.
So here is the thing I have to tell you. It was true love but it was painful love. You’ll see why. I met him when I wasn’t my usual complete self, the one that is happy and satisfied with her life and herself. I didn’t feel complete at that point. I know I am not a super woman and allowed to feel less than complete at some points. But those are rare for me and that point was the most incomplete moment I ever felt. I think I was lost and was looking for someone to guide me, to help me find the way back to my usual happy and optimistic self.
I believe that which is like onto itself is drawn, so I attracted the partner who was in the same boat as me. He was also looking for salvation and guidance. We were on the same wavelength right then.
My heart was sinking and it had no problem going along with his sinking heart. But my mind was shouting louder than ever that I had to leave, that he would not be able to give me what I wanted, that he was too conflicting for my world. The battle between those two lasted for the next year and several months. I just knew the moment of being lost was temporary to me and would pass shortly. However, his moment was already several years old with no clear site for a change. Naturally, I got back to my complete self within several month. and when he didn’t, my heart started listening to my mind. I was torn. I loved him, I would do anything. But I can’t sacrifice my life, my soul. I was willing to sacrifice my desires, and I did. I let them go. But I could never sacrifice my heart. In the end, I still loved myself more and would never go against my instincts.
So I had to go, there was no space for me in his troubled world. And even stripping myself of all my desires and willing to just go for love, I couldn’t forgo myself.
It ended the same way it started: fast and dramatic. I cried for a week, I analyzed for a month, and in several months I let it go. I wasn’t willing to drag it for as long as my first love, I'd learned my lesson already. This time I knew who I was and what I was looking for. And it was a great strong heart looking for a happy love. Yes, I didn't want to be crazy in love anymore, I want to be happy in love.
One of my friends likes to say Third time is a charm, when he refers to his 3rd marriage. And I take his word for it. I believe that my third love will not only be a charm it will be a happy one..