Thursday, May 8, 2014

What If...

We stop wasting time when we stop asking ourselves "What if" - Sasha D.

Cheers all,

Recently I found myself breaking one of the cardinal "happiness" rules: asking myself "What if"?
What if I didn't come to NY? What if I stayed closer to my family? What if I went to Journalism school like I wanted? What if I pursued "dream" career? What if, what if, what if....

I am deeply aware that dwelling on this question does not only make one unhappy, it also makes one unproductive, unfruitful if you will. Yet sometimes the force is too strong to handle. I am a thinker after all.

I've spent months searching my soul; although torturing my soul, would probably be a more suitable reference here. I was trying to look back and imagine what would have happened, would I have felt more fulfilled, would I have felt more purpose then? I was relentless, I even got upset that it was probably too late to change anything now... I was too hard on myself, without even realizing it. I wasn't my own best friend.

What happens as a result of this?
Besides, feeling dissatisfied with your life, and mounting stress, you start loosing vision of your current life, vision of your future goals. You become dis-attached from the flow of life, you stop listening to your soul. It's as if you gave your soul a time-out blaming it for personally not being in the place you think you should be. The soul doesn't take it well, it gets sad, it cries, it eventually goes into a dark place.
Just writing these words, makes me emotional for having been so disregarding and even awful to the most important essence of my whole being, to my soul.
But I finally was able to raise my eyes, to open my heart and notice what I was doing. Not a minute will be wasted on this useless questioning.
The truth is we'll never know what would have been if we had chosen one way over the other. It could have been better, or it could have been worse. We could have been more accomplished, or not. We could have been more happy, or not. This is the question we'll never be able to answer, just like the question of life. It's not meant to be answered, for it is the essence of life.

 I stop, I change my course, I beckon to my soul, I realize that I've done the best I could, I accept myself. and then beyond, I thank myself for being where I am, for being strong, for being present. I thank myself for being alive, and being the light. I let my "what if's" float away on a not returnable ship. I choose to live my life gracefully, even though I might never find the answer. I dare to look at the present, and perhaps the future. I let my soul tell me what IS.

And I end up asking myself "What is"? I am still a thinker...

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