Sunday, April 3, 2016

Art of Allowing

Cheers lovers.

It's been a very long time since I wrote on here. Some of you might be wondering whether I dropped off the face of the Earth..
The path to authenticity has become a real journey and so many roads and crossroads came across in order to find the way. Almost as if the Universe was just waiting for me to say Ok, I'm ready and started opening doors with new ideas and perceptions. In short, Summer has been busy. I traveled to Europe, I reconnected with the family (especially my parents), I connected to my roots with true appreciation this time. Since I was used to having some kind of apprehension to my motherland it was truly liberating to see its beauty and wholeness. I never felt so much gratitude and love for my birth country.
As soon as got back to NY, life started shifting to the whole new horizon. I got a new job, which will start next Tuesday. For the last month, I knew I would be leaving the place I worked at in the last 4.5 years. All kinds of emotions were storming through my head and heart. I felt sad, nostalgic, then happy and excited, then scared, terrified and guilty for leaving. Seriously, I never had so many complex emotions leaving a job before. The place grew on me, the people I worked with and friends I made there intertwined with my life. It was a community I belonged to, at the same time the place I worked at the longest, the time I embarked on self-journey, fell in love with myself, fell in love with another. Symbolically it was my sun shining upon my life, letting things grow. I was able to take care of my personal life, explore unfamiliar pastures in some respect.
On a less brighter side, I got too comfortable and reliant on things to remain the same to sustain the vacuum we all had created to keep the real world at bay. Then things started to change, departments started being outsources, the staff started turning over, old people leaving, new people coming. It's with greatest sadness I'm sharing here that Joyce, beloved by everyone whoever met her and heard her laugh on the 6th floor, passed away from battling cancer in a short 5 months. Then when our big boss was forced to retire, I knew that there was no return and I'd better get in a flow of all those changes. The job just fell into my lap as soon as I came to that conclusion. It happened so fast and almost automatic, instead of being excited I started panicking about upcoming changes. I found myself holding on to the way things were, creating resistance to the change. Not surprisingly, people in the office didn't take news about my departure with an anticipated glee, I even started getting a cold shoulder from some I used to be close to. Let me tell you if there is an emotion that can overtake your whole being and cripple you to a halt it is most certainly Guilt. I started feeling guilty, which of course, became a host of many other "sister" emotions, such as defensiveness, biased justification, blame.
Deep inside I knew I needed to release, let go. Seriously, lovers, why is it so hard sometime to just simply let go? Even when you are completely aware that this is the best (and only) solution there is. Still you spend just enough time in this fermenting concoction to a point that the cork will pop up splattering all around. Or even worse, not being able to come out, being stuck in a forever fermenting state that will make you stale and impossible to taste in the end.

Unfinished... October 10, 2015

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